everything was possible
7 years old on an island in Alaska where my family was dropped off for two weeks to live off the land. This is my first catch after getting to use a “real” lure and not just a hook and worm.
There was a time when I believed I could do anything and that everything was possible. Want to be a pilot and fly for the Thunderbirds? Ok. Want to work for the FBI and go after serial killers? Ok. Want to be a defense attorney or county prosecutor? Ok. Anything I could think of was available to me as an option for what I could be when I grew up. I didn’t ever think about how if I choose one, others would no longer be available. I didn’t realize that when I chose a path, other paths would cease to exist to me. Now, looking back, I often ask myself if I picked the right path. Did I answer the question right when asked what my next move would be?
Always encouraged to go down whichever path I desired with the same goal, to get a job, earn money and be able to take care of myself. My husband and I married young and what I wish we had been told is, go and explore. See the world and try new things. College? Yes! Study abroad? Definitely. There are so many opportunities that presented themselves and looking back I realize that I was so focused on doing what I was supposed to do, getting a job and having a house and having kids and saving for retirement and … what this meant is that I didn’t allow myself to do anything that appeared to be outside that box. Some would say that maybe I was afraid. I don’t think so. I think I didn’t know I could. I just didn’t know. No one told me and pushed me to do something unthinkable. It was all about building something or growing something. What I needed was encouragement to be uncomfortable. Encouragement to do something that seemed reckless or irresponsible with the goal of growing and learning and exploring.
Instead of doing that way back then, I am trying to do it now while also making sure the mortgage payment gets made and my kids get what they need and my husband has the support he needs. Then in those few minutes each night where I get to do something I truly love, I do just that.
Now I don’t want it to seem as if I am ungrateful. I have an amazing husband and children that have grown into the most extraordinary young women. My husband isn’t a dreamer. I think I am. That is ok. I suppose I dream a little for us both and he goes along because he is just happy being no matter what that looks like. Is the life we currently live sometimes hard? Yes. Do we need more dreaming? Yes. Just the other day we took 24 hours and spent it just on us. We explored and ate and talked. I even learned that he does have a dream or two in there if you can get him to share it.
Now our girls are the perfect combination of us both. We continue to encourage them to find their path, whatever that may look like, holding them accountable and teaching follow through, but also giving them permission to change their mind and subsequently their path. They are at a stage of exploration and it is important they know that they are encouraged to do just that. I am grateful to be able to watch this process in their lives.
What have I learned most throughout my life? I need to allow myself to explore, to reinvent, to pivot. There isn’t a way it should be done and in fact, the word ‘should’ needs to go. Instead, we get to. We get to work. We get to build a house. We get to raise our girls. And then, we get to change our mind. We get to do something different, whatever that may look like.
~J