why the pivot?

My beautiful family when we dropped our oldest at college.

Here I am, at the age of 43, diving into a complete pivot of my life. It isn’t a change I planned but one I am embracing while figuring it out along the way. Last August my husband and I moved our oldest daughter all the way to the other side of the country so she could attend her dream college. Were we crazy? Yes. She now lives 3000 miles away and if she needs us she can’t just come home for the weekend. Would we do it again? Yes. She has so many opportunities, is learning so much about herself, and gaining amazing friends. Now, we are looking down the barrel of the final year and a half with our youngest. In a blink we will be moving her to college (although not 3000 miles, still far enough away that weekend trips home won’t be common) and it will be just the two of us. Not sure what to think about meal planning for two. Will we go to eating popcorn for dinner? Or, will I dive more into my love for cooking and experimenting? What it really means is the chores we have been sharing between four of us will go to being shared between just two of us. Eeek!

The majority of the last 2 decades have been defined by raising children and supporting extended family. While my children are my absolute joys and every minute I spent raising them I wouldn’t trade for anything, I feel unknown apart from that role. Now, as our girls are going out into the world and we are encouraging them to explore who they are and who they want to be, I am realizing that somewhere over the last 20 years I lost myself. I am sure I am there, somewhere. At times I have even seen glimpses. However, it is time to stop waiting for the next glimpse and to figure out who I am so I can live every day of my life as myself. The myself I was created to be. I want to live as I am teaching and encouraging my children to live.

As I figure this out, I am going to share the journey with you. I am going to spend more time in the activities I enjoy. I am going to dig my hands into the earth. I am going to plant and grow and harvest. I am going to read and read some more. I am going to pray and breath and pray some more. I am going to look into my life, my gifts, my skills, my loves and joys and sorrows to see what they reveal about who I am. I am going to let go of and move away from those activities that suppress who I am, those activities that drag me down. I am going to share this journey with you and I give you permission to do the same exploration for yourself.

I am scared. This is and will be scary. I will need to let go of things and embrace new things. I will need to disappoint people, tell people no, and step away from things I have been doing because I know others want me to be doing them. I will need to step towards myself in order to fully be able to serve those around me. This will mean stepping through fear and pain towards unknown. I am scared but I am ready. I celebrate all parts of this pivot and the unknowns it brings with it.

~J